no quips today

so often i post about my day, or funny quips that i come up with, but today, i want to post from my heart and from my thoughts.
my life has been turbulent lately, and i am going to post some things from my journal that i want to share with you, because i believe it is a testimony to the good things God does in our lives.
you shouldn't read it unless you really care what's going on in my life; you shouldn't read it if you are a casual friend because this is really something on my heart, and i am not afraid to share it. i just don't want you to read it if you don't want to.

7/19/07
i've been doing some serious thinking in the past month, and it's been the worst month yet the best month of my life.
the changes that andy and i have made in the past 2 weeks are amazing. i am so thankful for them and i do not think they are of our own willpower.
God has shown us deep things about ourselves and i am so thankful for that. we have been married for 5 years now and i have been thankful for every day, even the days when i did not like andy. i am thankful that he stuck by my side, even if not physically but that he didn't walk out the door forever.
life before kate was pretty good. since i tend to be a selfish person (something i just learned), things were good in my opinion. i do not think they were good in andy's opinion. life being pregnant for me was hard-maybe it's because i was having to share my body with someone else, maybe because of the emotional things, maybe because of the big changes. ever since kate has been on the way, i have not felt like myself at all. i was not expecting to be pregnant, and it was a hard realization to face.
i don't know if that's because i am very selfish or because of chemical imbalance problems. i have a family history of abuse and depression, and i am just now facing those things.
the first 3 months of pregnancy were hell; i threw up daily, could not get out of bed. no one could help me and i felt alone. i lost weight, tried all the remedies the doctors provided, but none helped. i had never felt so bad in my life.
the next 6 months were strange-having to be excited about what was happening, even thought i was not in control. that was hard for me. i felt good when i could decorate the nursery and be in control of my life. i felt good reading books about pregnancy and praying. i felt good talking to the few friends that i had that actually already had babies. they were very reassuring.
after kate, things were great at first. i was so happy she was here-what a pretty little blessing. however, i now had to share my life with kate (my life with andy). that is not something i wanted to do. andy is my love and not hers and i want all of him. i now realize how selfish that is but at the time it seemed reasonable.
kate enraptured andy and i felt it had nothing to do with me. she was wholly beautiful and i felt i had no part in that. everyone told us how beautiful she was-how identical she looked to andy. i think since she's been born, a total of 2 people have told me she even resembles me. even in the hospital nurses commented that.
i became nothing but a nursemaid. i nursed and cared for her all day. i had no identity. i had no confidence apart from her because she was so entirely beautiful and i was now fat and ugly. i had a new, post baby body. even my skin had changed because of pregnancy.
my identity was found in kate-being a mom. i was good at nursing, good at taking care of her, good and knowing what to do.

post partum depression set in. i didn't even know what that was but after learning and reading, i went to the doctor and she confirmed it. i was thankful to have doctors to work with me, thankful for the meds that did work, but they caused more weight gain. i did feel more like myself thanks to getting in a better routine with kate, feeling more comfortable with being a mommy. i worked at reading, talking with other moms, trying to relax.

when kate was 6 months, andy wanted to move to the coast. we were separate for many weeks, and andy came home most weekends but that was not enough to fill my void for quality time and attention. kate was now my competitor for andy's attention. keep in mind i was still working from a selfish point of view and everything was hazy.

i spent day after day laying my life and my desires down for her. finally we moved to the coast by God's providence. i left everything i knew for this life here.

things on the coast are crappy, but that is so good. i can see the real, honest people that live here and i now know that it's okay to realize and admit that you are screwed up. i think most people here are screwed up thanks to the hurricane, and that the hurricane gave them the freedom to realize that not only their homes are a wreck but our lives can be a wreck. i feel at home here more than anywhere because of the honesty i feel here.

some days i love being with kate, some days are not as exciting. she is my competitor. some days she stresses me to the max, and i feel bad about that. i want to be a fabulous mommy and i want to feel peaceful when i'm with her-but now that she's 2 and she's now showing her selfish side, i am learning more about myself!
that's good.

since we've lived here, i have lived a stressful life and haven't realized it. i have a great job, but with stressful side effects (no real work hours, a turbulent environment on the coast, Satan disliking things at work so he works against us). i haven't dealt with the stress except by taking it out on andy and miscommunicating what i was feeling. if i wanted him to be near me, i pitched a fit and talked about how he wasn't near me. if i wanted to spend time with him, i complained about how busy he was. we weren't communicating. these were scary, miserable days and i am glad they are over!!!!

but since our breakthrough, when i hear the door open, my heart jumps with excitement-i can't wait for andy to get in the kitchen and see him soon enough. i want to hug him as tight as i can because i feel his love and i do not feel jealous of kate. it feels just like being just married for a few days and it feels so wonderful and it is only a gift from Jesus.
kate is our beautiful baby and i hope she never feels like i do. my family's happiness and security is more important to me than anything, and i want us to love kate together-not a competition and i don't want to feel jealous of her.

i can be a selfish, jealous person and this makes me feel like i am in a competition but andy has been very encouraging and reaffirming in his love for me so that i do not have to feel so insecure.
i feel that many of the problems in our marriage are stemmed from my selfishness, my pride, and my not acknowledging that i was doing wrong. i blamed it all on andy and i am so sorry for that. that is not true and i am sorry i caused this.
i know that in the past years i have been negative, complaining, interrupting, quick to judge, not wanting to have help, controlling. I thank you for your forgiveness in these areas. i hope that my readers can learn from this and learn how to be a real wife-to submit, respect, not control, encourage, build up, and love.

God is doing an amazing work in me, and i don't trust it because i don't trust myself right now, but i'm not supposed to trust in myself. if i did that, i wouldn't need Jesus on the cross now would i?

i do know that I am a child of God, a child that He gave His only Son for and a child that He thinks is beautiful even when I feel horrible. i want to really really know that better and i want to stop feeling like such a crappy person. hard times are shitty at the time but they are from Jesus so we can see Him better. He is really wanting me to focus on Him right now.