why i can't

this is the reason why i miss all of your weddings, your parties, your weekends away, your meetings, your bible studies, your committee membership drives, your shopping days out. this is why i can't answer the phone when you call, why you have to leave a message. this is why i can't go grocery shopping when i want to, why i can't take a nap when i want to, why i can't make plans to go on vacation when i want to. she's why i can't watch tv when she wants to watch the wiggles, she's why i can't eat lunch when i want to because she wants to play, she's why i can't dress cute each day because she will inevitably spill on me, spit on me, snot on me, or poop on me.
she's why i can't decorate my house as cute as i'd like because she'll rip it up, break it, tear it to shreds. she'll cry when i'm on the phone, she'll talk back to me when i'm worshipping her, she'll cry when i'm laughing.
she'll scream when i'm driving, cause me to turn off my favorite music for some nursery rhymes, read a book to her when i want to read my OWN book, find her blankie when i want to find my own place, fix her a "sipper cup" when i want to have a glass of wine.
she's why i promptly wake up at the same time each day to decide what exactly we will do all day, she's why i grocery shop for cheap diapers, why i call for our chart number at the pediatrician. she's why i'm concerned with which car the car seat is currently parked in, why i'm concerned with who is doing nursery on sundays, why i'm worried if her day care teacher is taking a day off.
she's the one who dictates whether or not i wear makeup-are we going out, or does kate want to stay in all day? are we going to make it through the wait at the post office, or should i save that for another day? can we go to the mardi gras parade by ourselves this weekend, or should we take someone with us?
those of you with 2+ children, disregard this post. i am by no means a champion mom. i am still a rookie, still new. still wondering what to do.
those of you with 2+ children, feel free to laugh. what will i do with another one?
God is so good. Look at her face. she's why i don't care what my day turns into. she's why i'm so happy. she's such a blessing; she's why I don't care that i don't wear makeup as much anymore. i don't dress up, i'm doing well to have hair washed and brushed.
she's why i love watching disney channel, she's why i love baby lotion and baby detergent. i love folding baby clothes.
she's why i love cleaning the high chair, she's why i love tossing out the diapers. she's why i don't even mind the diapers!
she's why i love weight gain, she's why i love not having my own identity anymore. she's why i love tickling, love closeness.
she's why i love shopping for bargains and not being able to go out as much as i want. i love having her, i love her, i love needing her, i love smelling her.
we have no babysitter here, we don't know one. we can't afford one. we have no family here. we have no one to offer advice, but for those in church. we have no one to grandparent her really, since we live so far away from all. we rely on our church family to hug on her, love on her.
we have no advice but for what we ask, what we study.
i love being a mom, come what may.